I have been thinking a lot about who I was before those brutal years of growing up. Naive and optimistic, who I was feels like a stranger to who I am now. It can be strange or even painful to look back on yourself and see how much you have changed. I consider myself jaded and cynical in many areas of life where I used to be carefree and optimistic. While being jaded may be seen as a negative, it is something that makes me who I am. It is also one reason why I can tell someone who may be going through the same things that I did that handling things the same way I did may not be the right answer. I desire more and more to see beyond my skepticism in order to continue to grow as a person. It is true that being so skeptical can protect me from hurt, but it can also keep me from relationships that could bring me joy and support.
Our message at church Sunday morning convicted me, and my tendency to give in to my skepticism is definitely toblame. Our pastor was trying to make a point to the men of the congregation, but I know that it was something that I needed to hear. Our pastor pointed out that, typically, women are more likely to have solid and involved friendships than men. That women are more likely have a support system and will call one another out on weaknesses in our faith, where men tend to try to solve their own problems and avoid discussing sensitive issues with one another. It was evident to me that I even though our pastor was pointing out to the men in our congregation that overall that men commonly have a dangerous “lone wolf” mentality. I definitely struggle with this. I have struggled to make friends since I was a teenager. When I was younger, friendships seemed to fall in my lap and I never really had to think about it. As friendships came to devastating ends as we grew up, I became painfully skeptical of people.
I struggled with loneliness for the majority of my teenage years. The two people who I have stayed friends with since a very young age are a few years older than me and went off to college in different cities and I missed them. It seemed like any time I got past my insecurities and got close to someone new, it ended badly and I was back where I started. I was lonely and that hurt, but I decided that it hurt less to be lonely than when friendships ended. Just to clarify, I was not alone, I was lonely. I had my family and I was still connected to my friends while they were in college, but it wasn’t the same. I justified shutting myself off to most people because I didn’t want to risk feelingthe sadness of another friendship ending. I knew I wasn’t truly alone, so I became numb to feeling lonely.
These days, I would not say that I am lonely. My husband, family, and of course those two friends are my support system. The issue is that those friends still live in other cities, and as much as I love and appreciate my husband and family, it is not the same as the relationship between friends. If it was supposed to be the same, we wouldn’t crave friendship. The community, support, and conversation of friends is not something that can be accomplished by any other type of relationship. I don’t mean having lots of acquaintances so that you always have someone to talk to. I mean the bond of a true and close friend who knows you and who will call you out when necessary, who pushes you to be a better wife, daughter, mother, sister, Christian, and overall person.
It is my desire to push away the skepticism and fear and to make myself vulnerable to friendships. I desire to be a light in the life of others, and how can I do that when I shut myself off to them because I do not want to get hurt? I want bringing joy to others to be more important to me than the temporary discomfort of making myself available to them emotionally. I want to encourage and lift up the people around me and to have people who will do the same for me. How can I be the hands and feet of Jesus when I cut myself off from His people? I no longer want to push people away because I want to selfishly avoid even the idea of pain or hurt. This will not be the example that I set. I will be better.
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