I was thinking last night about how much I've missed out on because I was too afraid. The list isn't short. I've skipped out on events where I didn't know many people in fear that I would spend the evening alone and bored, and regretted it later. I've turned down a couple of great guys that I liked because I was afraid of getting hurt or saying something stupid. (I even fear putting that last sentence in this post!) Honestly, I am sort of fearing this whole post, because I know that it's going to sound stupid...
When I was around 8 or 9, I was on a prescription medication for a stomach condition that made me terrified of everything. I wouldn't go outside by myself, even for a second, because of nightmares I was having. I was terrified of wolves for some unknown reason and to this day I can't watch a TV show with wolves/werewolves without flinching a little. Being scared of everything and not even understanding why you're so scared of it is really frustrating. It was freaky! It was like I couldn't even help it, it was rooted inside of me. Every time I was alone I would start to imagine terrible things happening to me. My family tired everything to encourage me that I was safe, but nothing worked. Before we knew that it was the medication that was making me like that, I just couldn't be alone. I couldn't fall asleep with the light off anymore and several times even slept in the floor in my parents room, trying to get away from bad dreams.
I missed a lot of good things being scared of everything that year. Little things, but still, I missed memories while busy being terrified and just waiting on something bad to happen. After we found out the problem and I was taken off of that medicine, things were very much better. I honestly still have to quote "The Lord your God is with you wherever you go" and "God did not give me a spirit of fear." whenever I have to go outside at night by myself. For the most part, though, I'm not really scared of things.
Last night I realized, though, that I'm still scared of myself. While I can now walk around outside by myself without shaking and sleep with my light off without skipping a beat, things that I might do myself make me stumble all of the time. The fear of sounding stupid or getting hurt has made me keep potentially really good friends at arm's length. I still regret the way some of my relationships have gone simply because I'm insecure. The fear of failing has kept me from taking so many opportunities in my business that I don't think I could count them. I've had some miserable times at events because I was too afraid to talk to anyone. I curl up in my shell and just watch the fun from the outside because then I don't run the risk of making a fool of myself. I haven't shared some helpful thoughts in fear that they would be rejected.
I decided last night though that I'm tired of messing myself up. I'm going to work hard to stop being scared of myself. I want to have more confidence. I don't want to watch from the outside anymore. Confidence has never been a strongpoint of mine, but I really want to work on it. God did not give me a spirit of fear, and yet the thought of having to keep a conversation without making myself sound like an airhead makes me nervous. Yes, I fully realize how stupid that is, but it's true. I want to take the opportunities that God gives me, not watch them pass on by. I shouldn't be afraid of failing, because with God, I can do all things. With God on my side, why should I fear anything?
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