As this year begins, I find myself thinking of all that has happened during the last one. 2014 was a year full of changes, both good and bad. This was a year of both hurt and happiness, not given in equal quantities. This was the year that I began to realize how much growing up I still have to do. This was the year I became aware that time goes by far too quickly, and that I waste far too much of it. This year I learned that one can be completely broken and in need of so much help, and yet so few will ever know it. This year I found the power of a smile and saw exactly how much hurt that smile can hide from the world. This year I noticed that so many people feel completely alone, yet never say or do anything about it. This year it was proven to me that the emotions you see on someone's face can be a lie, but others are genuine to the core. During this life I have witnessed that God is always good, hurt always heals, and if it is not okay right now, it will be one day.
*Here is a little note... I have a spectacular life. I am blessed, I am protected, and I am loved. I have wonderful friends, an amazing family, and an even greater God. This is not a pity post, and I do not want it to be read that way!
The first part of this year for me was perfect. I had a heart scare in February after my vitals were taken at an eye doctor appointment. After several trips to a cardiologist as well as my regular doctor, I was diagnosed with hypertension about a month later. There was a bit of a struggle with getting my blood pressure down and under control, but I picked up running, lowered my sodium intake and added a few other things, and have gotten it under control. Other than the hassle of that, I was happier than I have ever been. About halfway through the summer, in the midst of my being happy as could be with our relationship and at first blissfully unaware, I was removed from the life of a very close friend. I did not see it coming at all, and my heart was shattered. I like to think that I am pretty tough, but for a while after that, I was incredibly depressed. I did not understand what happened, I still have no idea really. It made no sense to me that someone I considered my best friend could just decide that we could no longer speak, and did not allow me to argue or ask why. I remember one particular night I was visiting my grandparents after that. My Pappy had gotten upset about something and threw a glass of water on me. He did not know who I was, and it was okay, but it of course made me a little sad. I tried to talk to this friend about it, only to be answered with an "I'm sorry, we just can't talk anymore."
To be honest, the situation ripped me apart. I would often just lose it and break down. My self worth was nowhere to be found. I was angry, bitter, heartbroken, and lonely. My mom started working mid-July and I had little to do but think and wallow. I tried to stay busy, but it was not good. At the beginning of August I turned eighteen, moved out of my youth group, was enrolling in my first semester of college, and searching for a job. I was slowly mending, but I was not okay in any capacity. The Sunday before my first day of college, my grandpa passed away. His funeral took place of my first day of school. Instead of sitting in class, I sat in a closed room at the funeral home listening to the eulogy I had written being read by my uncle. Losing my Pappy was obviously hard on all of us. He was such a massive influence in the lives of my family, and the lack of his presence was devastating. The day after the funeral, I had to get up and go to school as if nothing was wrong. As I walked through the halls finding my classes, I felt out of place. To be honest, I felt out of place everywhere I went. I felt like a little kid trying to play grownup. More than that, I felt like a broken glass that had been glued together and passed off as new. The pace of life picked up and I focused on anything that would distract me from feeling.
Leaving my youth group was another hard thing for me. I never realized the abruptness that follows turning eighteen. During grade school, you are placed in specific groups. Being at the same church since I was five, I have grown up with the people in my classes. There is something comforting about having steady acquaintances. It is nice to know that when you walk into Sunday school, there will be someone to talk to. There is fellowship, a time of prayer for your peers, and someone is always watching out for you. I quickly realized that when I left the youth group, everything I knew and was comfortable with ended abruptly. Communication with a lot of people was cut off, and most did not seem interested in my life anymore. I do not say any of this to down anyone, I am just expressing the frustrations of growing up and how I had to learn and deal with them. I loved my youth group and still miss them. I call this a frustration of growing up because I feel like I lost my place. I am stuck still in a place where I am too young and too old to fit in properly anywhere. I treasure those who make me feel included because they genuinely want to. It means more than anyone knows to me when they simply acknowledge my presence, because many do not. That feeling has taught me to try to notice everyone I come in contact with and be especially kind to everyone.
In early September, I got a job at Belk. My first day there, I sat in a training room all alone and watched seven hours of video. I got an hour long lunch break, forty-five minutes of which I spent sitting in the coffee shop in the mall pretending that something on my phone was vastly interesting. The next day when I got to work, I finished up the whopping eleven minutes of video I had left, then went to tell my manager that I was finished. Nineteen minutes into my shift, another hour was spent sitting on the bench next to Pretzel Maker. After, I was taken to the children's department, and within ten minutes was alone at the register with absolutely no idea what I was doing. For the next seven hours, I did not have another break. I ran out of water and nature was calling very loudly, yet I was glued to a register I did not know how to work. When another worker came over about an hour into my being alone at the register, I thought it would get a little better. Instead, she would get frustrated with my using the touchscreen computer instead of the keyboard, and decided that swatting my hand was the way to get me to stop. When I left for the day, I asked for my schedule and was told someone would call, but no one did. While I was waiting, I decided I had no interest in going back. I called and emailed with no answer. I got a phone call about a week later from an office worker giving me my schedule.
About a week later, God blessed me with my job at Joe Beans. After my experience at Belk I was scared, but everything went well. I love all of my Joe Beans family, and obviously working around coffee all day makes me a happy person. Getting a job there has proven to me that when things are not so great, they will get better and that God is most definitely watching out for me always. For the rest of my semester, I worked about thirty-five hours a week. I loved every minute, but between work, five classes, and photo sessions, I was exhausted and had little time. Because of that, another friendship ran its course. I was told that I am negative, ask too much, and basically was not worth the time or effort. That was a bit of a punch in the gut I will admit. I know that I fail often, but being joyful and encouraging is definitely something I strive for.
2014 was a hard year for me. Over and over again, I just wanted to stop putting effort into anything. At times, it felt like I would never be truly happy again. Sometimes I still feel that way to be honest. I can say though, I have been able to find my hope in God again. I am okay now, and I know that with Him I always will be. Here is one thing I am thankful for: I have learned so much this past year that I thought I already knew. I have learned to never take people for granted. I have a renewed desire to be truly kind to everyone I meet. We do not know what battles those we come in contact with are facing. Our compassion for others should not hinge on whether or not we deem their heartaches silly or unimportant. We do not know the fears of others or the hurt they hold. I know that for me, the majority of those I know had no idea that I was incredibly depressed for a lot of last year. I do know that feeling that way has made me want to be more vigilant for those who may be going through the same thing.
In 2015, I resolve to be aware of those around me. I resolve to love even the grumpy, selfish, and just plain mean. I resolve to be positive and encouraging to all. I resolve to be brave in reaching out to those who are quietly suffering. Most of all I resolve to be unquestionably in love with my Savior, finding my joy and happiness in Him, so that it cannot be drowned by anything on this earth. Goodbye 2014.
*Here is a little note... I have a spectacular life. I am blessed, I am protected, and I am loved. I have wonderful friends, an amazing family, and an even greater God. This is not a pity post, and I do not want it to be read that way!
The first part of this year for me was perfect. I had a heart scare in February after my vitals were taken at an eye doctor appointment. After several trips to a cardiologist as well as my regular doctor, I was diagnosed with hypertension about a month later. There was a bit of a struggle with getting my blood pressure down and under control, but I picked up running, lowered my sodium intake and added a few other things, and have gotten it under control. Other than the hassle of that, I was happier than I have ever been. About halfway through the summer, in the midst of my being happy as could be with our relationship and at first blissfully unaware, I was removed from the life of a very close friend. I did not see it coming at all, and my heart was shattered. I like to think that I am pretty tough, but for a while after that, I was incredibly depressed. I did not understand what happened, I still have no idea really. It made no sense to me that someone I considered my best friend could just decide that we could no longer speak, and did not allow me to argue or ask why. I remember one particular night I was visiting my grandparents after that. My Pappy had gotten upset about something and threw a glass of water on me. He did not know who I was, and it was okay, but it of course made me a little sad. I tried to talk to this friend about it, only to be answered with an "I'm sorry, we just can't talk anymore."
To be honest, the situation ripped me apart. I would often just lose it and break down. My self worth was nowhere to be found. I was angry, bitter, heartbroken, and lonely. My mom started working mid-July and I had little to do but think and wallow. I tried to stay busy, but it was not good. At the beginning of August I turned eighteen, moved out of my youth group, was enrolling in my first semester of college, and searching for a job. I was slowly mending, but I was not okay in any capacity. The Sunday before my first day of college, my grandpa passed away. His funeral took place of my first day of school. Instead of sitting in class, I sat in a closed room at the funeral home listening to the eulogy I had written being read by my uncle. Losing my Pappy was obviously hard on all of us. He was such a massive influence in the lives of my family, and the lack of his presence was devastating. The day after the funeral, I had to get up and go to school as if nothing was wrong. As I walked through the halls finding my classes, I felt out of place. To be honest, I felt out of place everywhere I went. I felt like a little kid trying to play grownup. More than that, I felt like a broken glass that had been glued together and passed off as new. The pace of life picked up and I focused on anything that would distract me from feeling.
Leaving my youth group was another hard thing for me. I never realized the abruptness that follows turning eighteen. During grade school, you are placed in specific groups. Being at the same church since I was five, I have grown up with the people in my classes. There is something comforting about having steady acquaintances. It is nice to know that when you walk into Sunday school, there will be someone to talk to. There is fellowship, a time of prayer for your peers, and someone is always watching out for you. I quickly realized that when I left the youth group, everything I knew and was comfortable with ended abruptly. Communication with a lot of people was cut off, and most did not seem interested in my life anymore. I do not say any of this to down anyone, I am just expressing the frustrations of growing up and how I had to learn and deal with them. I loved my youth group and still miss them. I call this a frustration of growing up because I feel like I lost my place. I am stuck still in a place where I am too young and too old to fit in properly anywhere. I treasure those who make me feel included because they genuinely want to. It means more than anyone knows to me when they simply acknowledge my presence, because many do not. That feeling has taught me to try to notice everyone I come in contact with and be especially kind to everyone.
In early September, I got a job at Belk. My first day there, I sat in a training room all alone and watched seven hours of video. I got an hour long lunch break, forty-five minutes of which I spent sitting in the coffee shop in the mall pretending that something on my phone was vastly interesting. The next day when I got to work, I finished up the whopping eleven minutes of video I had left, then went to tell my manager that I was finished. Nineteen minutes into my shift, another hour was spent sitting on the bench next to Pretzel Maker. After, I was taken to the children's department, and within ten minutes was alone at the register with absolutely no idea what I was doing. For the next seven hours, I did not have another break. I ran out of water and nature was calling very loudly, yet I was glued to a register I did not know how to work. When another worker came over about an hour into my being alone at the register, I thought it would get a little better. Instead, she would get frustrated with my using the touchscreen computer instead of the keyboard, and decided that swatting my hand was the way to get me to stop. When I left for the day, I asked for my schedule and was told someone would call, but no one did. While I was waiting, I decided I had no interest in going back. I called and emailed with no answer. I got a phone call about a week later from an office worker giving me my schedule.
About a week later, God blessed me with my job at Joe Beans. After my experience at Belk I was scared, but everything went well. I love all of my Joe Beans family, and obviously working around coffee all day makes me a happy person. Getting a job there has proven to me that when things are not so great, they will get better and that God is most definitely watching out for me always. For the rest of my semester, I worked about thirty-five hours a week. I loved every minute, but between work, five classes, and photo sessions, I was exhausted and had little time. Because of that, another friendship ran its course. I was told that I am negative, ask too much, and basically was not worth the time or effort. That was a bit of a punch in the gut I will admit. I know that I fail often, but being joyful and encouraging is definitely something I strive for.
2014 was a hard year for me. Over and over again, I just wanted to stop putting effort into anything. At times, it felt like I would never be truly happy again. Sometimes I still feel that way to be honest. I can say though, I have been able to find my hope in God again. I am okay now, and I know that with Him I always will be. Here is one thing I am thankful for: I have learned so much this past year that I thought I already knew. I have learned to never take people for granted. I have a renewed desire to be truly kind to everyone I meet. We do not know what battles those we come in contact with are facing. Our compassion for others should not hinge on whether or not we deem their heartaches silly or unimportant. We do not know the fears of others or the hurt they hold. I know that for me, the majority of those I know had no idea that I was incredibly depressed for a lot of last year. I do know that feeling that way has made me want to be more vigilant for those who may be going through the same thing.
In 2015, I resolve to be aware of those around me. I resolve to love even the grumpy, selfish, and just plain mean. I resolve to be positive and encouraging to all. I resolve to be brave in reaching out to those who are quietly suffering. Most of all I resolve to be unquestionably in love with my Savior, finding my joy and happiness in Him, so that it cannot be drowned by anything on this earth. Goodbye 2014.
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