I was just looking through the countless "drafts" that I left un-posted on this blog... I came across this one and wondered why I never posted it, so here it is.
There's a poem I found a few years ago and have never forgotten. My Blessing, My Curse by Vex Darkly. The first two stanzas go:
"Thinking has always been
a confusingly mixed aspect for me.
A source of great strength, my blessing
But also of great weakness, my curse.
Thinking separates me, sometimes,
but not always in a good way.
Thinking allows me the gift
of hindsight, looking back at that
which I have done, my mistakes,
to relive and learn from that which has passed,
to realize that which was wrong,
and how it should have, could have been done."
The poem is long in full, but if you enjoy poetry at all, I definitely recommend it. It resonates with me in every stanza. I have always been introverted, always a "thinker". I think about my life a lot. Past, present, future... Mistakes I have made, chances I did not take, people I did not fight for. I think about the past more often than I should. I think about the things I've learned in my life, and the people that have passed through it. Some of those people seem like shadows when I look back, while the impact of others is vivid and sometimes haunting. It seems I cannot look too far back without bumping into one of those ghosts. When I think back to my life a year ago, it stuns me how different I am now. It also stuns me how much I have stayed the same. A year ago, when I thought about my life and my future, I could not have imagined my life being what it is now.
"But in hindsight can come a great despair.
Wasted opportunities, lost potential.
Regrets over that which could have been, or should.
Lamenting the past, getting lost in the unchangeable.
Wishing, 'if only', reliving experiences.
And hating myself for my grievances."
I will be honest, I miss how my life was a year ago. The only way to describe it is an ache that refuses to go away. I was still in high school, completely unaware of exactly how mentally and emotionally exhausting college is. As some of you may know, two of my closest friends have attended universities that are hours away for the past two and a half years, and I rarely get to see them. It is really, really hard not having them here with me. I am incredibly grateful for technology, allowing me to contact them regularly, but texts and calls will never be the same as having them here with me. Last year, I had friends who were always around again. There was a level of complete comfort between us that I wish I still had with someone. We would spontaneously decide to do random things. Never anything big, but there was something beautifully comforting in having someone come over just to watch TV or go shopping with me. I was happy.
I'm still happy, just a quieter sort of happy. As I said, I am very different than I was a year ago. In some ways, I feel like a lesser version of myself. If I am being honest, I am bitter and cynical and bruised. Feeling like that, though, makes me want to push myself to be better. God has taught me so much over this past year, but the thing that has been hardest for me to learn is that He is all I need. He is really, truly, completely, everything I need. Sure, some things in life are nice. The comforts of easy friendships are pleasant to have, but they are not necessary, nor are they guaranteed. I am blessed, however, to have been shown that while the friendships I do have may not always be simple or convenient, they are beautiful and true.
I cannot go back and fix my mistakes, and neither can you. We can get up every day and carry around an ever-growing bundle of mistakes, heartaches, and sadness. We can allow ourselves to become hard, bitter, and fearful, which I will admit I struggle not to become. We can build up brick walls around our hearts a thousand feet tall, never letting anyone see us. Just get through the day, the week, the year. Sounds like a lovely life, right? Okay you're right, I'd like to avoid it, too. Well, blessed are we, God in His kindness has given us a beautiful second option: Give it all to Him. The mistakes and fears that haunt us do not have to be weights around our ankles. God has said, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls, for My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30.
Giving our burdens to Christ is not easy, even though maybe it should be, but it is the only way to move on sometimes. I have tried dealing with my pain and struggles on my own. I have tried building that wall around my heart and hiding away from everyone. Let me tell you, there is no happiness in that. We can try to hide ourselves: tie ourselves together with fake smiles and just try to make it through. We can shut out others, never having anything more than small talk with our peers and leaving it at that, closing ourselves off so that we never get hurt. There comes a point, though, where when we try so hard not to get hurt, that we are also never allowing ourselves to be happy.
There's a poem I found a few years ago and have never forgotten. My Blessing, My Curse by Vex Darkly. The first two stanzas go:
"Thinking has always been
a confusingly mixed aspect for me.
A source of great strength, my blessing
But also of great weakness, my curse.
Thinking separates me, sometimes,
but not always in a good way.
Thinking allows me the gift
of hindsight, looking back at that
which I have done, my mistakes,
to relive and learn from that which has passed,
to realize that which was wrong,
and how it should have, could have been done."
The poem is long in full, but if you enjoy poetry at all, I definitely recommend it. It resonates with me in every stanza. I have always been introverted, always a "thinker". I think about my life a lot. Past, present, future... Mistakes I have made, chances I did not take, people I did not fight for. I think about the past more often than I should. I think about the things I've learned in my life, and the people that have passed through it. Some of those people seem like shadows when I look back, while the impact of others is vivid and sometimes haunting. It seems I cannot look too far back without bumping into one of those ghosts. When I think back to my life a year ago, it stuns me how different I am now. It also stuns me how much I have stayed the same. A year ago, when I thought about my life and my future, I could not have imagined my life being what it is now.
"But in hindsight can come a great despair.
Wasted opportunities, lost potential.
Regrets over that which could have been, or should.
Lamenting the past, getting lost in the unchangeable.
Wishing, 'if only', reliving experiences.
And hating myself for my grievances."
I will be honest, I miss how my life was a year ago. The only way to describe it is an ache that refuses to go away. I was still in high school, completely unaware of exactly how mentally and emotionally exhausting college is. As some of you may know, two of my closest friends have attended universities that are hours away for the past two and a half years, and I rarely get to see them. It is really, really hard not having them here with me. I am incredibly grateful for technology, allowing me to contact them regularly, but texts and calls will never be the same as having them here with me. Last year, I had friends who were always around again. There was a level of complete comfort between us that I wish I still had with someone. We would spontaneously decide to do random things. Never anything big, but there was something beautifully comforting in having someone come over just to watch TV or go shopping with me. I was happy.
I'm still happy, just a quieter sort of happy. As I said, I am very different than I was a year ago. In some ways, I feel like a lesser version of myself. If I am being honest, I am bitter and cynical and bruised. Feeling like that, though, makes me want to push myself to be better. God has taught me so much over this past year, but the thing that has been hardest for me to learn is that He is all I need. He is really, truly, completely, everything I need. Sure, some things in life are nice. The comforts of easy friendships are pleasant to have, but they are not necessary, nor are they guaranteed. I am blessed, however, to have been shown that while the friendships I do have may not always be simple or convenient, they are beautiful and true.
I cannot go back and fix my mistakes, and neither can you. We can get up every day and carry around an ever-growing bundle of mistakes, heartaches, and sadness. We can allow ourselves to become hard, bitter, and fearful, which I will admit I struggle not to become. We can build up brick walls around our hearts a thousand feet tall, never letting anyone see us. Just get through the day, the week, the year. Sounds like a lovely life, right? Okay you're right, I'd like to avoid it, too. Well, blessed are we, God in His kindness has given us a beautiful second option: Give it all to Him. The mistakes and fears that haunt us do not have to be weights around our ankles. God has said, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls, for My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30.
Giving our burdens to Christ is not easy, even though maybe it should be, but it is the only way to move on sometimes. I have tried dealing with my pain and struggles on my own. I have tried building that wall around my heart and hiding away from everyone. Let me tell you, there is no happiness in that. We can try to hide ourselves: tie ourselves together with fake smiles and just try to make it through. We can shut out others, never having anything more than small talk with our peers and leaving it at that, closing ourselves off so that we never get hurt. There comes a point, though, where when we try so hard not to get hurt, that we are also never allowing ourselves to be happy.
I have decided to take the risks that could lead me to happiness, even if they could lead me to hurt. I know that no whether I fall or fly, I will learn a lesson either way, and that is important.
Hello Aubrianah. I am a Pastor from Mumbai, India. I am glad to stop by your profile on the blogger and the blog post. I am also blessed and feel privileged and honored to get connected with you as well as know you and about your interest in photography. Your started your post with a beautiful poem and the theme of this runs through your post below. I am blessed to know that you have acknowledged God and Jesus Christ to deal with situations those bring pain and hurts. I liked the last para of your post. Very thoughtful sharing which gives you opportunity to you and to your readers to learn and over come your mistakes. I love getting connected with the people of God around the globe to be encouraged, strengthened and praying for one another. I have been in the Pastoral ministry for last 40 yrs in this great city of Mumbai a city with a great contrast where richest of rich and the poorest of poor live. We also encourage young and the adults from the west to come to Mumbai to work with us during their vacation time. we would love to have you come to Mumbai to work with us during your vacation time. i am sure you will have a life changing experience. My email id is: dhwankhede(at)gmail(dot)com and my name is Diwakar Wankhede. Looking forward to hear from you very soon. God's richest blessings on you, your family and friends. Also wishing you a blessed and a Christ centered rest of the year 2018.
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