It has always been very easy for me to get lost in thoughts of the past. There are times that I feel I will drown in waves of nostalgia. I have always struggled to keep my focus on my present and future circumstances. Instead, I continuously search the past for reasons and answers. I take note of every regret and mistake and cling to each moment that my heart was full even as I remember when it was shattered. Sometimes it can be difficult to remember the times when I was completely joyful and content without soon remembering how it feels when something hurts you so badly that you can literally feel your heart ache in your chest. Some wounds feel fresher than others. Some laughter feels easier to recall. No matter how happy or hurtful these memories are to me, I know that they are important.
I don't know why the past holds on to me so tightly(or maybe why I hold on to it). Most of the time, I wish that I could shake the baggage of the past entirely and focus on my life as it is now. Other times, it brings me joy to remember times with people that helped shaped me, even if those chapters of my life did not end happily. In some cases it is my current life circumstances that bring me to the past. I find myself thinking about how at this time last year, I could call up a friend to go to Target or come over and watch TV. Now I spend more time at home with my dogs while my husband works later shifts. On those evenings when I am at home I remember the friendships that have come and gone throughout my life. Sometimes I mourn, other times I am thankful to no longer feel insufficient or spread thin. I often pick up my phone and look at photos of my face smiling next to someone else's and try to understand how someone who I held so dearly can look so much like a stranger.
This post has taken me most of the day to write because I keep pausing to look at photos and pondering where the friends that I have lost are now. I hope above anything else that they are happy. I hope that sometimes they think of me. I hope that if they do think of me, it is not as a regret or with sadness, but as an important part of growing up. Sometimes it feels damaging to spend so much time considering the past and it is something that I am working on. I also never want to forget the process that brought me to where I am today. I don't know who I would be if everything in my life hadn't gone exactly as it did. I don't regret the steps that a brought me to where I am now because I am happy, blessed, and strong.
It has become increasingly important to me never to be in a situation where when I see someone out in public, I feel the urge to run the other way. In ten years when I am out shopping with my children, I refuse to be someone who avoids another human and risks teaching my children that people or situations who have hurt you are something to be feared. I never want to give hurt or fear or awkwardness any power over my actions or reactions. I also want it to be clear that I am thankful for each and every person who has walked or is still walking through a season of life with me. I would not be who I am if it was not for each of you. Every adventure, every venting text, every cup of coffee, every dream spoken out loud, every fight, every hurtful word... All of it. I could not be the woman that I am without every step forward I have taken and there are some steps that I would not have taken without specific people pushing me.
Whoever might be reading this, take a moment to think of even one person who is no longer in your life. I encourage you to start with that person and work on changing all of your hurt or anger and turning it into thankfulness. Think of what you learned, think of how you grew, think of happy memories that you would not have if it wasn't for them. It isn't easy, but I have found that this process makes the past easier to cope with. Here's to the past and all that God has taught me, even in the hardest of ways. Thank you to everyone in my life for the lessons you have taught me. I hope you find all the happiness in the world.
I don't know why the past holds on to me so tightly(or maybe why I hold on to it). Most of the time, I wish that I could shake the baggage of the past entirely and focus on my life as it is now. Other times, it brings me joy to remember times with people that helped shaped me, even if those chapters of my life did not end happily. In some cases it is my current life circumstances that bring me to the past. I find myself thinking about how at this time last year, I could call up a friend to go to Target or come over and watch TV. Now I spend more time at home with my dogs while my husband works later shifts. On those evenings when I am at home I remember the friendships that have come and gone throughout my life. Sometimes I mourn, other times I am thankful to no longer feel insufficient or spread thin. I often pick up my phone and look at photos of my face smiling next to someone else's and try to understand how someone who I held so dearly can look so much like a stranger.
This post has taken me most of the day to write because I keep pausing to look at photos and pondering where the friends that I have lost are now. I hope above anything else that they are happy. I hope that sometimes they think of me. I hope that if they do think of me, it is not as a regret or with sadness, but as an important part of growing up. Sometimes it feels damaging to spend so much time considering the past and it is something that I am working on. I also never want to forget the process that brought me to where I am today. I don't know who I would be if everything in my life hadn't gone exactly as it did. I don't regret the steps that a brought me to where I am now because I am happy, blessed, and strong.
It has become increasingly important to me never to be in a situation where when I see someone out in public, I feel the urge to run the other way. In ten years when I am out shopping with my children, I refuse to be someone who avoids another human and risks teaching my children that people or situations who have hurt you are something to be feared. I never want to give hurt or fear or awkwardness any power over my actions or reactions. I also want it to be clear that I am thankful for each and every person who has walked or is still walking through a season of life with me. I would not be who I am if it was not for each of you. Every adventure, every venting text, every cup of coffee, every dream spoken out loud, every fight, every hurtful word... All of it. I could not be the woman that I am without every step forward I have taken and there are some steps that I would not have taken without specific people pushing me.
Whoever might be reading this, take a moment to think of even one person who is no longer in your life. I encourage you to start with that person and work on changing all of your hurt or anger and turning it into thankfulness. Think of what you learned, think of how you grew, think of happy memories that you would not have if it wasn't for them. It isn't easy, but I have found that this process makes the past easier to cope with. Here's to the past and all that God has taught me, even in the hardest of ways. Thank you to everyone in my life for the lessons you have taught me. I hope you find all the happiness in the world.
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