Here's to Joy

I have always admired people who are transparent. People who openly discuss their struggles and thoughts to those who inquire without fear or hesitation inspire me. To be comfortable with the flaws of the skin you exist in is such a beautiful quality. Openness is a quality I have always struggled with, but that I have recently committed myself to work on. I have also recently dedicated myself to getting back into the things that used to bring me joy- including writing. Having been so taken in by the requirements of school and my job, I feel that I have lost pieces of myself along the way. So to begin my journey back to myself, I will let everyone who would like to know in on where I have been stuck for the past several years.

I consider myself to be a strong person. I do not cry often, I am adaptable, and I try my hardest to ignore stress and just keep moving. I am very busy, so I tend to hold everything inside of me and just keep moving forward with my life so that I do not get behind. As hard as I try to maintain a strong image, sometimes things get to me. Sometimes, I do want to cry and be held. Sometimes all I want to do is lay in bed and only talk to my dogs and a select group of people. Sometimes my brain feels so full and loud that I can’t hear myself and I shut down. Sometimes it feels hard to get up in the morning and go about my day, no matter what is on my to do list. Sometimes I cannot fathom getting up and moving and being social all day. Sometimes it is difficult to convince myself that my daily life holds a purpose and that I am important. I struggle deeply with anxiety, and depression is something I hide in my closet and do not discuss. My sense of responsibility has always required me to ignore my inner thoughts and do what I must.

Even as I complete my responsibilities, my mind never stops. To call the last four years a roller coaster would be an understatement. The past four years have wrecked me, put me back together, wrecked me again, and then led me to my soul mate and allowed us to begin a life together. Somewhere along the way, my emotions became difficult to regulate. Sometimes I am immensely happy and all is right in the world. In those times I always want to smile and laugh and poke fun at those around me. Sometimes I am just fine. I am neutral and normal and whole. The world makes sense and I am content in my existence. Sometimes I feel nostalgic and weepy and long for specific things to be how they once were. In those times I wish that I worked with people that I used to, I wish that I could see the children that I watched grow up more often, or I miss the simplicity of existing before graduating high school. Sometimes I feel nothing but sadness. Often I am sad for no reason and cannot explain why I feel the way that I do. The worst feeling I experience is numbness. In those times, I feel nothing. I do not feel sad or happy or like myself in any way. It is confusing and frustrating and difficult to explain. Thankfully, those times do not last for long. Thankfully, I have found ways to push myself forward. Thankfully, most of my times are happy and remembering my happy days makes all of the days go by a little faster.

When I lay my head on my husband’s chest at night and listen to his heart, I focus on that sound and remember why I continue on no matter what. When I make a customer laugh or smile, I remember why I continue on. When I see my family and we are all together, I remember. When I listen to music that holds memories and lyrics that make sense to me, I remember why I continue on. When I come home and my dogs cannot contain their excitement, I remember. When I hear my friends talk about their passions, I remember why I want to be exactly where I am. When I feel the sun on my skin, hear rain on my roof, or roll the window down and let the wind blow my hair, I remember to take the time to feel alive. When I remember who made me and saved me, I remember. When I remember that I was bought at a price and that I am loved deeply, even when I feel unlovable, I know that I cannot stop moving forward. 

I know that my emotional and mental struggles will not disappear. I know that I will feel weak and vulnerable at times. I also know that it is okay to feel that way, and it is okay to admit it. I know that it is okay to voice when I am struggling and feel myself faltering. Most importantly, I know that I am surrounded by people who love me and I have a God who upholds me and that when I feel weak, they will be there until I am strong again. I know that as long as I keep moving no matter how I feel, I will always find my happiness again.