I am Inadequate

I am inadequate.

I’ll say it again. I am inadequate.

I don’t mean that I am inadequate in the way that first springs to mind. Don’t get me wrong, I spend a lot of my time noting the ways that I am inadequate in that sense. My belly isn’t flat, I double-chin, I have flyaway hairs that I can’t control, I’m terrible at sticking to the plans I set up for myself… I could go on, but you get the point. I take note of the physical inadequacies that do not matter in the long run far more than I do the inadequacies that affect me on a different level.

When I say that I am inadequate, I mean that I have full knowledge of the person that I daily aim to be in Christ, and yet, daily I fail. Last night as Chris and I sat trying to file joint taxes for the first time, I felt myself getting more and more frustrated and irritable. I could have done what my forever sweet and patient husband suggested and taken a break and come back with a fresh mindset this morning. However, I snipped at him that I wanted it to get done and continued to angrily guess at questions that I did not understand, all the while falling deeper into anger that was aimed at something so silly as tax information.

We hear constantly that we are enough, that we do not need to change. In some ways, that is true. If you have the mindset that you are inadequate because of belly rolls, cellulite, stretch marks, thin lips, brown eyes, etc., I would encourage you to work towards a renewed mindset regarding your physical self. When it comes to striving daily to be the people we are called to be, I think that it is important to remember that we truly are inadequate. Rather than convince ourselves that we are “good enough”, we must remember that we need to be continuously improving ourselves.  The second we believe that we are adequate we stop trying to be anything more. When we have what we need, when we feel comfortable, that is when we stop trying to be better. When we neglect to realize our daily shortcomings, no matter how small they seem, we are most vulnerable when it comes to straying away from our Creator.

Some days, I feel on track. I feel close to God and able to handle whatever the day holds with grace and joy. Other days, I grumble about everything, become irritable for no reason, or yell about taxes. I need these reminders that I am inadequate so that I remember how desperately I need God’s help to get through the good days just as much as I need His help getting through the bad days. I am not enough. I cannot get through this life on my own. I do need to change and improve.

I am inadequate, and that is okay. God did not ask perfection of me. He knows that I will not achieve that in this lifetime. He knows that no matter how good I try to be, it will never be enough. That is why He gave me another way. That is why He gave His Son and that is why He gave His Spirit to guide me. I will never be adequate, but He is so much more than that. His perfection covers all of my flaws and gives me a desire to ask for His help as I strive to be who He has called me to be. I will fail again and again, but I will also never stop trying to better myself. I choose to start fresh each day on this journey and to be thankful that I serve a gracious God who allows me countless chances. I am blessed to follow the One who knows all of my inadequacies and yet loves me and cares for me so completely.