I have not been taking care of my body. In turn, my already low self-esteem has suffered. When I was seventeen, I was diagnosed with unexplained high blood pressure that had already weakened one side of my heart. My cardiologist told me that my risk of stroke would always be higher for my age because of thisand that once I got into my twenties, I would need to be careful and keep track of my blood pressure to see if I ever needed to go on medication. I spent about six months trying to get a handle on my blood pressure. I started working out all of the time and was hyper aware of what I was eating. I lost weight and felt good. Then came college.
When I started college, I was depressed, lonely, and stressed. Once I started my first job I had no time to breathe, much less to think about working out. For the next four years, I gave up taking care of myself the way that I am supposed to. My blood pressure has not been high enough to be concerning, but since I stopped taking care of my body I have felt it. I have struggled even more in the last year or so with my body image than I ever did growing up. I have put on weight due to not making the time to care for myself and I have a hard time coping with that. Every morning when it is time to choose what to wear, I begin to tear myself down. Great way to start the day, right? I look in the mirror and feel angry with myself for not making the time to care for the body that I was given. I criticize my stomach and arms, I glare at my cheeks and neck. I put on full outfits only to take them off a few minutes later because I can’t seem to make myself feel comfortable in my skin.
Obviously, I am doing something wrong here. Two things, really. First, I stopped taking care of the body that God put time,thought, and imagination into creating. Secondly, I take it a step further and I look at that body with frustration, dismay, or some days even hatred. I can look at the mountains, flowers, and sky and see their beauty and complexity and yet I neglect a body that God formed with his own hands and breathed life into. This is not acceptable. I was given a healthy body to care for and I have not been doing that for quite some time.
For the last several weeks, I have been working on changing my mindset when it comes to diet and exercise. I have worked very hard to make myself see diet and exercise not as a way to lose weight or gain confidence, but to take care of the body that I should already have confidence in. I have been making it a priority to care for and love my body physically. I have made time in my schedule to work out and allow my body to feel sore and strong again. I have also been making it a focus for both Christopher and I to eat real foods and leave packaged and processed foods behind. We buy a crazy amount of produce and have tried to make this a fun change by doing things like challenging ourselves to eat a salad every day or to make sure that every meal we eat every color in the rainbow in a day. My goal is for us to eat well most of the time so that when we do want to indulge, we do not have to feel guilty or like we are letting ourselves down.
Let’s face it, diets do not work. You may drop some weight, but any diet I have ever heard of or tried just is not livable. Diets may be a good way to jumpstart weight loss, but when it comes down to it you need to change your lifestyle in order to have real and healthy change. Diets are created for weight loss, they do not typically nurture our bodies. We try to use diets as a way tocheat our way to the body that we imagine ourselves in rather. Instead, we need to do things the hard way and begin to feed ourselves real foods and get our bodies moving daily. I know that with this mindset I may not see results as quickly as I would like to as far as losing weight. However, I already see the change in how I view my body because I am focused on making it stronger inside and outside. I also want to use this change toremove the link between my self-confidence and the number I see on the scale. I am not looking for fast results, I am looking for permanent results.
This change is not going to be any easy one for me. I have always lacked self-control when it comes to food. When I feel stressed or sad, I use food as a tool. If I see brownies or ice cream or pasta, nine times out of ten I will cave and eat them even if I said I wouldn’t. It is so easy to say no to working out after a long day or when the alarm clock goes off before 6AM. I am very experienced at making up excuses for myself, but determination and discipline are harder for me to summon. I want myself, my husband, and our future children to fuel our bodies so that they can stand up to the injuries or sicknesses that will try to wear them down. I want us to feel good and strongand have a healthy relationship with food. I know that the health of my future children starts with Christopher and me, and that makes this change of life so much more important. I know that our children will look at the way we eat and live and because of that I want to be an example that I hope they follow, not an example of the wrong way to live.
This renewed mindset of food and exercise has already given me more determination than the desire to be thin ever gave me. I want to challenge you, do not change the way that you live in order to change the number on the scale, do it to change the way you see yourself. I will tell you what I have been telling myself: You are valued, adored, provided for, and strong enough to take responsibility for the way that you take care of yourself.
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